Friends,
we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy,
nine good people
who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Oh, God, memorial services are so boring.
You insensitive asshole, Cartman. Nine people died.
Yeah, but, like, eight of them were hippies.
Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.
It is sometimes hard, in times like these,
to understand God's way.
Why would he allow nine innocent people
to be run down in the prime of their lives
by a senior citizen who perhaps shouldn't be driving?
It is then that we must understand
God's sense of humour is very different from our own.
He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke.
No, God needs complex irony
and subtle, farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me.
All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh,
and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
Look out!
Was that a stop sign back there?
I think I hit a pothole.
Hey, Dad, how come they let old people drive?
Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.
- But they kill people. - Sometimes, yes,
but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan.
We can't just take their licences away.
I'll be God-damned if they think they can take my licence away.
- Oh, hi, Dad. - I heard what you said.
You wanna take driving privileges away from seniors.
Well, let me tell you something, pecker-face.
I worked 55 years in a steel mill...
- Yes, Dad. ... and I flew Spitfires over Germany
- in World War II. - Yes, I know.
And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in
and take away my right to drive.
I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die.
Damn it, Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet.
No, but it's the shortest. Save the most gas that way.
You save more gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet.
Less miles means less gas, you old fool.
- There's Country Kitchen right there. - Where?
Back there. You're gonna miss it.
- Is this the parking lot? - I think so.
Another death tonight by senior citizen motorists.
Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly
when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Melman,
who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek,
where three construction workers in a bulldozer were run down
by senior citizen Paul Tobb, who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licences
of all seniors over 70, though no decision has yet to be made.
Seniors of South Park,
I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell.
I am sick of having my mental condition come into question.
- Yeah! - Me, too!
We need to let everyone know we're pissed off,
and we're not gonna take it any more.
- That's right, Pete. - That's right.
Now, can anybody remember what we're pissed off about?
I remember we're all pissed about something, and
that's why we had this meeting, but I can't for the life of me...
Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No.
Oh, I remember. They're going to take our licences away.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
That's right! They're gonna try to take our licences away.
And I, for one, am mad as hell.
- Me, too! - Yeah, that's right!
I'm mad, too.
I am sick of having my mental condition come into question.
So now what are we gonna do about it?
Do about what?
They're gonna take our licences away!
They are? They can't do that.
That's right. So you know what I think we should do?
I think we should have a senior citizens meeting.
Get all the seniors together at the community centre and unite!
Great idea, Marvin.
Wait, I think we're having that meeting right now.
Oh, right. This is the meeting.
Right. To get them damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks.
- Yeah! That's right! - Stop them!
Sharon, have you seen Dad?
He's not here, honey.
He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town
at the community centre.
Oh. Wait a minute.
If all the seniors in town are at a meeting,
that means that when the meeting gets out...
Every senior in town will be driving home...
At the same time.
Oh, my God!
Get inside! Get inside!
Seniors meeting getting out! Get off the streets!
All right, great meeting, everyone. Let's do it again sometime.
- So long, everybody. - Goodbye, Lucy.
Get off the streets! Get off the streets!
Old people are driving!
- Gerald! Where are the boys? - We've gotta get out of here!
The boys, Gerald, where are they?
They're playing street hockey!
Oh, my God!
With just 10 seconds to go, the offence makes his move.
Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid.
The poor kid hands it off to the Jew. The Jew shoots.
Oh! And the shot is blocked again!
Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey.
It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.
I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.
Get off the streets! Get off the streets!
Dude, look.
The streets! Get off the streets!
- What is that? - I don't know.
Get off! Get streets off the streets!
- Dude, is that your dad? - I think so.
Looks like Stan's dad's been hitting the bottle again.
Streets!
- What is he saying? - I can't understand him.
Calm down! We cannot understand you!
- Oh, Jesus! - Old people!
Come on!
Oh, God! They're coming!
Get over there! Stay low!
Why are they all out driving at the same time?
It's okay, boys. They're gone.
Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find...
I don't remember there being a building here.
Run!
I told you to turn left, Larry!
Get up the stairs! Up the stairs!
- Come on! Come on! - There's another one!
Excuse me, is this Costello avenue?
In here!
They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!
Quiet! Keep quiet!
- Dad, I'm scared! - Just keep your voices down!
We'll stay the night in here. We'll stay the whole winter if we have to.
I'm not staying the winter in this room!
You just need to tell old people they can't drive any more!
Stan, it's not that simple!
Just relax while I find the lights. Here we go.
How the hell did we get up here?
I told you this was the wrong way.
Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles,
where senior citizens have until 3:00 p. m.
To hand over their driver's licences.
The new law was passed just three days after the night of horror,
in which all seniors were out driving at the same time,
causing 14 deaths and $3 million in damage.
All righty. There we go. Next!
It ain't right what you're doing! I never had an accident in my life.
That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us.
We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next, please.
There we go.
But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store?
Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home.
Some of us would rather die!
Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
We aren't second-class citizens!
That's right! You can take our licences, but you'll never take our pride!
Yeah!
Isn't this great, you guys? Being able to walk the streets
now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?
Billy, get in the car. I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hoveround.
Grandpa, I don't think you're supposed to be driving.
God damn it, Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?
Well, I'm your dad's dad!
And that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Well, look at it this way. Statistically speaking,
we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.
My God, he's right.
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
I shall not walk the valley of death...
Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys.
Except for you, Kyle.
Okay, all set?
Asshole!
I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Go around! Go around, you moron!
Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
I believe that's us. Thank God.
Could I see your licence, please?
I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Well, then, I have to take you to jail.
You just try taking me to jail, scrotum head! You just try!
- Stupid son of a... God damn it! - I've just got him right here, Mr. Marsh.
Oh, brother. Well, good job, Dad. Look at you now.
Oh, God damn it. Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch.
You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?
Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm 12!
We're not treating you like children, Dad, all right?
Now, I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology.
Who needs to apologise? Who's the sorry-sorry?
Kiss my sagging ass!
Well, fine. I was going to bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here
for a bit and think about what you did.
I won't be sitting here long.
- I've already called the AARP! - What's that?
The American Association of Retired Persons.
The largest political group in the country!
When seniors like me are being discriminated against,
the AARP comes and sets it right!
And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!
And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a Mongol,
not to be confused with a mongoloid, like the actor Nicolas Cage.
Okay, now, who can tell me in what year
the first film by the mongoloid...
That's odd.
Those ROTC guys are way off course.
More old people!
The American Association of Retired Persons.
Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back.
Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to point delta!
Bravo Team is go!
Move! Move! Move!
Let's go! Let's go!
Can I help you folks find something?
Old people have gone mad!
Contact. Put your hands up, young man!
- Marvin Marsh? - Yes.
I'm Bill Stewart, president of the AARP.
We've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, Bill.
We came as fast as we could.
We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.
It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades!
Let's go!
There, now, Mr. Johnston.
We can go to the cafeteria and get you some nice cream corn and toast.
- Can I help you? - Help this.
The revolution is on, brother! We're taking control of the town!
We are? Well, it's about damn time!
Hey, everyone, we're taking the town!
- Okay! - Let's go!
- Seniors, we're taking the town over. - The revolution is on!
- The revolution? - Oh, I'd better get my other sweater.
Mrs. Ryland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun?
I suppose so.
- What the hell is going on? - Shut your pie hole and get over there!
Randy, what is this?
You are now under the authority of the AARP!
There you go, Mr. Smart Mouth! Look at you now!
Dad, what are you doing?
The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licences back!
Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medicare, too!
- That's right! - Yeah!
Have you all got Alzheimer's?
They're not going to listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens!
We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killing hostages!
Right, they're gonna really believe that.
Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damn Japs!
This is insane, Dad!
You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt.
The time when you can tell me what to do is over, bucky boy!
We're in charge now!
All right, we've got control of the mayor's office and the fire station.
Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
We've got company.
Attention, seniors. Lay down your weapons and turn yourselves over!
Mrs. Applegate, show them we mean business.
All right.
What do you want?
We want our licences back!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
That's right! And we want more money in Medicare!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
And we want those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!
- Hey, Dad. - Stan! Boys! You're safe!
Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this?
Why doesn't somebody stop them?
They've tried to stop them, son,
but the seniors get up so early in the morning,
they get everything done before anybody else is even awake.
They're saying something about taking over the whole country.
Yes, and now seeing how early they get up,
I don't see how anybody can stop them.
Wait a minute. You boys! You get up almost as early as they do!
- You can fight them! - Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it?
No, son, we like to sleep in.
Two hostages come front and centre!
They're coming! Get out of here before they see you.
Run to the hills and find a way to fight them. Go!
Boys, avenge me! Avenge me!
All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town.
The old people have blockades here and here.
Old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter.
The leaders, along with my grandpa, are most likely in the mayor's office.
So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
- We can't fight them, Cartman. - No,
but we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply. Here.
- Country Kitchen Buffet? - Yeah.
You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do.
- That's a retarded idea, Cartman! - Is it?
Two years ago, they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs,
and all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
Yeah, I remember hearing about that.
Even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down?
I think I have a plan. But we'll have to do it tonight.
We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people.
At 5:45, Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east side of town.
Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the mayor's office,
and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed.
9:00, we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet,
where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest.
We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside.
- Yeah! - All right!
- I did it! - We did it!
Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet,
and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in.
Well, right, or we do that.
All right, everyone, round up your ammunition
and get ready to move!
We're taking this war further out!
- All right! - Let's go!
Look, Bob, I appreciate what the AARP is trying to do for us,
but all we want is our licences back.
Heck, no! This is going too well.
We're gonna take the whole country back,
wipe out everyone below the age of 65!
Wipe them out? What are you, senile?
Come on, everyone! It's time to plan Phase 2!
What the heck?
What is this?
It's 6:00 a. m.! Country Kitchen should be open!
It's not open? Has to be!
- Try a window! - They're blocked from the inside!
No.
Let us in! Let us in!
- Open the door! It's 6:00 a. m.! - It's 6:00 a. m.!
- Open the Country Kitchen Buffet! - You have to let us in!
All right, everyone, area secure!
Collect their weapons and free the hostages.
That was a great strategy, boys.
You may very well have saved this entire country.
- What happened? Is it over? - Everything is fine.
Control of the town is back to you folks.
Country Kitchen... What happened?
- Sir, what should we do with this one? - It's up to the townspeople.
Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad?
I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes, he does.
- Stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault! - Huh?
Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child.
I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing,
- but how you were doing it. - That's right.
And, Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior,
but you should also realise that when you get behind the wheel,
you're a killing machine.
I know.
I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving
so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Well, I think this has been a real learning experience
for the Marsh family.
People died, but we all grew a little. Let's just go home.
Sure, I'll drive.
That's our Grandpa!
Dude, I hate my family.